Drink Recipe

This post is devoted to my friend Leslie. On her birthday, a bunch of us made up cocktail recipes that were supposed to capture her personality--here's my entry.

“Malibu Leslie”

Ingredients:

1 ounce Malibu Rum

1 ounce Mandarin Vodka

½ ounce fresh lime juice

1 ounce pineapple juice

1 ounce orange juice

Directions:

1. Go to liquor store. Search for the rum and vodka. Ask yourself why they can’t be right next to each other or at least in the same isle! I mean they’re both clear right!? Ask clerk for help. Go to pay for booze. Search in bag for wallet and ID. Remember to brag later about getting carded. Keep looking for ID in vain. Apologize to clerk who is now busy trying not to look pissed and wondering why he even carded you in the first place. Remember that you left your ID in your running pants. Explain to clerk your predicament and realize that it doesn’t matter because he has already given up and rung in your order and is now just waiting for you to pay. Be thankful that you didn’t forget your debit card.

2. Go to grocery store. Search for other ingredients. While shopping, wonder why you set out on this mission in the first place. Call Beth on one phone and text No Smell on the other phone simultaneously to ask them if they want to do happy hour somewhere convenient for everybody but HAS to have outdoor seating that preferably is not close to a noisy road and has both shade and sunny areas plus cheap drinks. Try to remember what it is that you’re looking for. Wonder why you’re in the paper products isle. Remember that you need toilet paper. Be sure to get the softest yet most economical brand possible.

3. Once you find the produce isle, ask yourself how many limes you will need to produce a ½ ounce of juice. Forget the real lime and just grab one of those little plastic limes that have the juice already conveniently squeezed inside it. Stop and ponder three things: (1) can you recycle this little fake plastic lime? (2) Does it need to be refrigerated after opening? (3) Why don’t these stupid things come with directions?

4. Spend the next half hour gathering the other two ingredients.

5. Once in checkout line, notice the cute sling backs the woman in front of you is wearing. Wonder where she got them. Consider asking, but then don’t.

6. Head outside and wonder where you parked. Call Pistol Pete and suggest that it might be a perfect evening for a fire out back. Hope that he invites you over for dinner and martinis. After arriving at Pete and Beth’s, hand over ingredients and let the expert take over.

Sit back and enjoy!

My Real Estate Piece on Beth's Site

This piece I wrote for my wife's website discusses what will happen now that the $8,000 tax credit for first time home buyers has ended. Check it out:

http://bethkellan.com/blog/

I'm Published!

So that piece I did for The Oregon Sustainability Experience is now on their website! Yup, it's official, I'm published. Check it out:

http://www.thesustainabilityexperience.org/blog/

Road Rage!

I was driving on I-5 south to a subbing gig at about 7:00am yesterday when the incident occurred. Now, let me give you a little background on how I drive. I rarely go the limit. Really, who drives 55mph? No one I know. That being said, I’m not a lead foot either. I did get a speeding ticket two months ago for going 39mph in a 25mph zone but the cop was driving towards me when he used his radar and how accurate can that be? Anyway, I often find myself in the fast lane behind someone who shouldn’t be there. This state is notorious for this. Why in God’s name would anyone drive 55mph in the left lane? I just don’t get these people! Completely oblivious.

Back to the incident…I was a little tired and honestly, a little zoned out when I realized that I was going a tad too slow to be in the fast lane. Not 55mph slow mind you—probably 64ish. Just as I was about to put on my right blinker and move over one lane, some piece of crap driving a Jeep Cherokee going about 85mph drove up to about two inches from my rear bumper then suddenly passed me on the right. Here’s the best part: HE FLIPPED ME OFF ON THE WAY BY! I was so livid I almost drove off the road! THE…NERVE! For a second I considered chasing him but what would I do if I actually caught up with him? Run him off the road? Pull out my 9 mill and cap his ass? Hardly. I drive a 1999 Subaru wagon and I don’t own a gun.

I tried to calm down and think about it. Why was I so angry? This jerk was probably having a bad day and pissed at the world for a number of reasons. Lost his job? Tiny genitals? Virgin perhaps? Or maybe he’s just a complete a-hole. Who knows? Initially what made me really heated was that he thought I was one of the slow-driver-in-the-fast-lane-types. Sure, I drive a Subaru wagon--but it’s not a Prius! And if he paused long enough to notice he would have seen my Red Sox license plate holder which means I’m from Boston where people under no circumstances would even think about driving slowly in the fast lane. And c’mon man, this is Oregon for chrissakes! People just don’t do that here. We’re too nice to tail-gate and give each other the finger. Back east people do that on their way to church but not here.

I was also upset with myself because I let this idiot get to me and in a weird way--part of me kind of admired the guy. Do you know how many times I’ve wanted to do what he did? Drive pell-mell down the highway, flipping people off that get in my way. But I don’t because (1) it’s not safe and (2) I have morals.

This incident made me realize though that when we see people doing stupid, selfish stuff like driving aggressively, or cutting in line at the deli counter, or talking on their cell phone at the movies, etc., part of what makes us so angry is that, in a way, we wish we were them.

We're Just So Darn Green!

The following is something I wrote for The Oregon Sustainability Experience website (http://www.thesustainabilityexperience.org/). Basically, the program is a conference where people can visit our state and learn how we create and maintain sustainable stuff like LEED buildings, sustainable agriculture & food systems and sustainable urban built environments. My job was to write a few paragraphs about sustainable things to do in Portland while these people were here. I'm not sure if they will use it in the website or not but it was definitely good practice.

Sustainable Things to Do in Portland

It’s no secret that Portland is the epicenter of “green” culture in the US. As Portlanders, we are used to living in a city whose inhabitants take reduce, reuse, and recycle very seriously. Sometimes however, it can get a little overwhelming trying to find sustainable activities in a town where there is so much “green”. Where do you start? Why not take a hike? Fortunately, Portlanders do not have to travel far to enjoy the benefits of a brisk walk in the woods. In fact, Forest Park is located within the confines of our fair city and is one of the country’s largest urban forest reserves. Forest Park stretches for almost 8 miles along the Tualatin Mountains overlooking the Willamette River and is home to 112 bird and 62 mammal species. The park contains 70 miles of interconnecting trails with easily accessible trail-heads.

All that walking can build up a major appetite. Next stop--your local farmer’s market. With over fifteen markets across the city to choose from, it shouldn’t be too hard to find one close by. The markets are the very essence of sustainability. They provide a venue where local farmers grow and sell their produce in open air markets. These products are often organic and by cutting out the middle man of the chain stores, you save money and support your local farmer directly. It’s a great way to get healthy, fresh food and meet the farmers who produce it. Besides great produce, Portland’s farmer’s markets also sell locally made breads, cheeses, meats, and crafts.

Looking for something with a little more hops? Hop on your bike and head out to one of the many local breweries in town. Portland is a Mecca for beer lovers. Particularly those beer drinkers who like their suds made with fresh, local ingredients. Hopworks Urban Brewery (HUB) on Powell Boulevard is 100% renewably powered and the only carbon neutral brewery in the world. The proprietors have painstakingly taken making sustainable beer and food to a new level. The structure of the pub itself is a paradigm of sustainability. The booths are constructed entirely from the ceiling joists of the previous tenants. Recovered framing, office paneling, and ceiling joists was used to construct the bar base. Biodiesel is made from the fryer oil which they use to fuel the delivery truck and help heat the brew kettle. Hopworks even collects it’s rainwater in a large barrel which they use for irrigation, general wash down and a future green house. HUB uses only organic barley malt in all their beers and the organic spent grain is used by a local cattle rancher. Beer and pizza go hand in-hand so HUB uses Shepherds Grain "Food Alliance Certified" flour for their pizza dough & other bread items and all the dressings are made from scratch which results in less packaging.

These are just a few options that highlight the “green” culture that makes Portland such a sustainable city. For more info, check out… (insert appropriate website)

The Dobler Effect

“I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that.”

Ring a bell? Remember the movie Say Anything staring John Cusack as Lloyd Dobler, the young impetuous, angst ridden high school senior who’s hopelessly in love with Diane Court, the school valedictorian who is WAY out of his league? These famous lines are spouted in quick succession by Lloyd while getting the first degree from Diane Court’s over protective father. Like me, you might have even tried (albeit inaccurately) to use the quote yourself when asked what you want to do when you grow up. It’s funny but when I read this quote it rings as true to me now as it did back in 1989. In fact, it has even more meaning considering that without even thinking about it, I’ve lived it. For instance, I’ve never sold anything, bought anything, or processed anything as a career. As a bartender, I sell booze which is processed I guess but I think Lloyd would give me a pass on that one.

Actually… when I think about it…bartending is a perfect example of what Lloyd didn’t want to do. The liquor industry is a huge business! Multimillion dollar companies are behind liquor and they spend millions of dollars on advertising to make sure we buy their products--so when you walk in to your local bar you’ll sit down and ask for a Jack Daniels, or a Grey Goose, or a Budweiser. Me? I’m just peddling their products and making them richer. And for what? What has Grey Goose ever done for me? The self-made billionaire, Sidney Frank, started Grey Goose back in 1997 then sold the brand to the Bacardi Company in 2004 for 2.2 BILLION dollars. Estimated profit to Mr. Frank? $1.6 billion. Unbelievable right? It’s enough to make you scream. I mean, it’s just vodka for chrissakes! As it turns out, the old codger died in January of 2006 allowing him only two years to enjoy his fortune which proves the old adage—you can’t take it with you.

I think Lloyd would appreciate this freelance writing venture I’m attempting. The information comes out of my head, and I write it on the page. It is pretty organic right? Nothing processed—just my ideas in black and white.

It sure beats bartending or walking around in an overcoat hoisting a boom box over my head which is playing Peter Gabriel songs.